Prayer For Teachers Funny

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my backside
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.


In your sacred name, I pray that I find the fortitude deep, deep within to avoid the temptation of plotting my transition into the private sector this summer. Lord, remind me that I thrive in environments reeking of hand sanitizer, and I would miss looking out over my students' somewhat eager faces and the way they seem to touch everything on my desk with their germ-laden hands. While you're at it, please inspire my students to use the aforementioned hand sanitizer. I'd like to be able to use my sick days next year as mental health days in Jamaica. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.

Holy Mother, please do not let me urinate before this congregation of children; allow me to hold it for 90 more minutes until my planning period. My bladder must be the size of a basketball does this suffering bring me closer to your Son? I'm going to pretend it does because my principal has just appeared for a surprise classroom observation. Blessed Mary, witness me crossing my legs ever tighter. Deliver pelvic floor muscles of steel unto me. Amen.

Lord God, please look after the mother in charge of this year's book fair. Bestow upon her strength in the face of no-show volunteers and petty larceny. I'd also like to ask that if it's going to rain on field day, perhaps the storm could begin well before the whole school is lined up on the athletic field in T-shirts color-coded by grade? Finally, a note about our class trip to the zoo: Why must you forsake me like this? Give me a sign that mixing wild children and zoo animals is all part of your plan for my spiritual development. Your mercy guides me.

Dear Lord,
Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.
Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.
Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions,
even though they're usually not my fault.
Help me to not try to run everything - but, if you need some help, please feel free to ask me.
Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.
Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
Give me patience, and I mean right now!
Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
Help me to finish everything I sta
Help me to keep my mind on one thing ... oh, look, a bird ... at a time.
Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.
Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait ... this is wrong ...
Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.
Thank you, Lord.


Dear God, provide me with some kind of Rosetta Stone for translating popular culture references so that I may understand what my students are going on about. Are the words they are using appropriate? What is a 360 no scope? Should I throw out this phrase casually to show them I get it? Or would I get a lot of emails from administration? Heavenly Father, what are the latest dance crazes? Guide me to land somewhere between just one of the kids and that lady in sensible shoes (you know all about my low arches from my previous dispatches). I ask these things of you in the name of the Father, the stanky leg, the whip/nae nae, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Help me to be a fine teacher, to keep peace in the classroom, peace between my students and myself, to be kind and gentle to each and every one of my students. Help me to be merciful to my students, to balance mercy and discipline in the right measure for each student, to give genuine praise as much as possible, to give constructive criticism in a manner that is palatable to my students. Help me to remain conscientious enough to keep my lessons always interesting, to recognize what motivates each of my students, to accept my students' limitations and not hold it against them. Help me not to judge my students too harshly, to be fair to all, to be a good role model, but most of all Lord help me to show your love to all of my students.

Dear God,
Grant our teachers an abundance of Your wisdom. Prepare their hearts to welcome and love our loved ones, and may we make sure to show them love and respect in return. Give them grace as they help students who aren't thriving, courage to say what needs to be said, tools and knowledge on how and when to speak love, and strength when they feel weak. When they feel unseen, remind them that no moment goes unnoticed. They are shaping the future in one million small - yet incredibly important - ways every day. We are overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of learning they share with our children. Bless them, Lord, and may they see even just a glimpse of how their faithfulness will forever impact generations to come.